Always You. - a photo on Flickriver

Always You.

This will be long but deserving.

They say there is always someone out there for you. Someone who touches your life and your soul like no one ever has. For me it's this gorgeous Princesa here. From the first moment I looked at her, I knew. I knew she was the one. I refused to acknowledge it at the time because we both were very destroyed by our pasts in that time, but fast forward some time later the way my body reacted was undeniable. My heart leapt in my chest in February. Tiny butterflies danced in my stomach at the same time I felt like I was free falling towards the ground. You know like when you go on a roller coaster and the first drop happens. But what really hit me was the way my breath pulled in my throat. It was instantaneous. I stopped breathing at the sight of her. And I never wanted to look away. It didn't take long for me to realize she was the one for me. Our time together has been a culmination of events that I couldn’t deny. I knew, if I didn’t love her before that moment, I fell over the edge into a bottomless ocean that was only for her. I knew I was never going back. So instead of speaking, I kissed her, hard. When my lips collided with hers, I wrapped my one arm around her waist, placing the other under her chin, pulling her closer. And her arms tightened around me an instant later. That was when I knew. With every cell in my body, every beat of my heart, I knew I found my home.

Regardless of where our paths take us, for me, her and I, that's how it was meant to be. She's not someone you just love the idea of, I love her for her and all that she is, and has yet to be. Whether it's this life or the next or the next after that. That's what my heart believes. We've been sparks and music, and she's brought me to life. Like a jumpstart beneath the stars. And suddenly, my heart beat once more. After so long of feeling like I was a burden in life, a lost cause, something that was broken beyond recognition, someone that could never heal or be the same ever again. She healed me, but at times also left me feeling terror. We were always in perfect harmony, and I lived in the moment like it could be our last. Because it could be but in my heart it was always her and I. That's how it was meant to be. We've been parts of a puzzle that fit perfectly together. Like the sun finally exploded into life and she became my shadow. Like she was the sun blazing in a cloudless sky. Then suddenly, my eyes needed to adjust, and I didn't mind because she put me back together, and I could only ever hope I was the missing piece in her life too. Because otherwise, I'm just a melody waiting for a broken chorus to turn me into a sad song.

There were many times my dreams have always been scattered. Stuck somewhere between what was, what is, and what could be. While I'm dreaming, I'm never really sure where I am until I'm awake again. Sometimes, the dreams can't stop soon enough. But others those special nights when I believe my dreams might actually be true. I find that I'm caught between two different worlds. The one that's real. And the one that exists beyond this existence. That's where I am when I'm with her. That's where I feel most alive. That's where I feel free because I'm with her. She makes life better. She turns the darkness I have around and chases it away. On days I thought I was going to crumble and the demons would lurk inside me, the memories would always haunt me, she made it better. It was worth it. It was worth it because this beautiful soul of a person made sure surviving hell was worth it because it brought me to her and I don't know where I would be if it weren't for her. For me the world begins and ends with her.

She caught my eye and I haven't turned my head since. It was like I opened my eyes for the first time and after a lifetime of dark, I could see light. It felt like coming home. Like I was already there. And I never wanted to leave. Even after all these years, I still catch myself in awe of her from the moment we became friends, to the first I love you's, and from the moment we fell in love. I don’t ever want what I feel to stop no matter where we both end up in life. I want us to always take a piece of each other wherever we end up. No matter what life it is I know I will forever be powerless to help myself and I will always want her. It was everything about her that caught me off guard. It was more than her beautiful smile, or the sound of her unguarded laugh. It was more than the brilliance of her eyes, or the way she saw me. It was more than the way she carried herself, or the gentleness in her touch. It was more than her mind and her creativity, ingenuity, and intelligence. It was everything. Before I realized it, she became my everything. And my heart was no longer mine because it was hers, and I couldn't stop myself from loving her. She became my forever home and she will always be that for me.

Today, tomorrow, and forever.

I had someone ask me once why would I want to be with her. I simply said something along the lines of, I cannot see it any other way, she is everything. When I think more clearly on it, the way I saw it really was, we might fall into each others orbits like a binary star or fully collide in a tragic and ineffable supernova of personalities; but I couldn't see us passing each other by-I have fully cross the event horizon of her gravity and I believe that she has been embraced by mine as well. Through the inexplicable refrain of our worlds mellifluous and meandering melodies, I have found in her the chorus to my verse and the bridge to my resolution. A song composed by fate using the notes that make up who we are-our shared curiosity tempts us to listen if we dare.

And I dare.

If anyone was to ask me what I loved most about her, it will take me a bit because physically, I love how fucking gorgeous she is, despite her own reservations about how she looks at times. I love her cute little nose, especially when she scrunches it up when she would smile at me. The things I would do to her nose... I love her naturally flawless skin; her plain face with no makeup is so beautiful. I love her beautiful eyes, despite her always using filters to hide their real beauty along with her face. Her eyes are so expressive, that I don't think she realizes how much she says with them. I could look into them all day and not get bored. I love her smile, always bringing light to my life and can bring joy even when at the lowest of lows. I love her tattoo's because they fit her so well and make her so much more attractive. I love the sound of her voice and her laugh, even though she hates both but it's so soothing to me. I love when she opens up and becomes comfortable with sharing her vulnerability with me. I love when she's brutally honest with everyone and sets anyone straight. I love how easily flustered she can get sometimes. I love when she turns into a brat and gets all pouty, all are the cutest. I love how hard she may seem to others but her heart is so very loving but only certain people get to see that. I love her sly looks she gives when certain things are said that annoy her. I love the way she tries to contain a laugh or smile on voice or on her stream but can't. I love when she tries to express feelings and has the cutest stutter and gets all giggly.

Honestly, there is so much I could go on about but personally, I love how warm, kind, and generous she is. I love how rare her heart is and that if you do right by her you may just get to see the sides not many get to see. She treats everyone equally until they give her a reason to see them differently. She's been through hell more times than most and I love how brave and strong she is to keep going after everything she's been through. She doesn't let single obstacles in her way to stop her from overcoming anything and forging her into the amazing woman she is. Not only that but the things she's faced that shaped her into being one of the best moms I ever had the chance to know. I know she is wracked with self doubt which adds to her cuteness to me but I only wish that one day she is able to see the amazing woman and mother that I have seen over the years. Behind all that her capacity to love is my most favorite but again not everyone gets to see certain sides of her which I love because that's what makes it real. That's what makes it and her, rare. Despite her always being the one to not be good at expressing these things when she does that is what makes her different from anyone I ever known and that's what makes me love her so much more.

I could go on and on for days, to months, to years about this little sunflower but I think I made it pretty clear. I'm writing all this in hopes one day no matter where she is at she can look back at this and remember despite her struggles, her moods she would always make being with her exciting and new every single day. To never doubt herself and think she is hard to love because I learned how to love her in any struggle, any mood. She could flip her mood on me to yell at me, swear at me, abuse me, degrade me, etc but I still would love her if that. I will love her unconditionally, forever and always. I'm not one to turn on someone I love or see them differently because of how they react to things. Everyone reacts differently to things and for reasons whether it be because of their present or past. I believe in talking through things to get to better solutions, not belittling anyone for their reactions. So I'd do anything to make things better when needed as long as who I am with is feeling secure and ok. That's what she will always deserve.

Relationships and sometimes even friendships are like tending to a garden. The more love and love attention you give it, the stronger and more likely the plant (relationship) will stay alive. But not all people are the same plants. Some people are desert plants that don't require much tending or watering. But some people are delicate little flowers who need more tending to. It's important to know what type of plant you and your significant other is, so you can cultivate your garden together. Relationships are only as successful as the amount of time and effort you put into them. So hopefully one day she'll get it all. Me always being attentive to her every need, yet giving space when needed. Leaving little gifts and notes places for her to find throughout the day to make her smile. Always making sure she is looked after before myself. Planning special things to make her feel special. Treating her how she should have been treated in all her previous relationships. To always take care of her and love her with all my being, never faltering, always standing by her, pushing her on, motivating her, being there when she is sad. No matter what I would be willing to do everything I could so that she didn't cry or be broken like all the other times. I'd sacrifice anything for her not caring what would happen to me as long as she was ok. These are all things I have done and would always do but I hope no matter what path she ever chooses that she is loved this way and only this way because she deserves nothing less.

With all that said, Lucipurr, you’re my heart and my soul in any life there is. You are everything I ever needed to know that being broken doesn’t mean that you have to stay that way. You see, you gave me hope. In those moments of desperation, you’ve been there to pick me up and dust me off. You taught me how to stand tall with my head held high and that I was deserving of everything good and to be loved. You were the only person to ever show me what that word really means and what it truly feels like to be loved the right way. You have no clue how much I adore you. No matter how much I tell you words will never capture my love for you and thanking you would barely cover what you’ve done for me through the years. I only hope I have been able to do the same at some point for you. I hope after all this you get it a bit more than the times I've tried to express things. I also hope one day you'll understand no matter where our paths take us that everything we have shared was real.

🎧 I love you forever just like I promised... 🎶

Taken on: October 31, 2021

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