March 1, 2022 Subverted Selfie Project Post

From March 1, 2022: Today, I’m starting a new journey of self reflection & exploration. I’m hoping to connect more deeply with myself as I work to overcome my depression. Often, I’m too quick to jump online & moan about the state of my life, which can be okay, but I need to be able to see through the negative towards more positive outcomes. To know that I’m not always so worthless or useless. To know that I have something to offer in life.

I want to feel more positive about myself because I’m the only person I have in my life that I can depend on for the love I desire. I know I have a habit where I say these kind of thoughts, & in other posts I’ve often talked about trying to actualize these things, trying to actualize unconditional love & reverence for all life starting with myself, but I also know that I’ve often failed at doing this for myself. It’s time to stop failing. As author @shannonkaiserwrites says, it’s time to start living & using joy as a barometer for how I feel.

In terms of the selfies I’d like to capture this month, I want to explore ways of seeing myself visually that I haven’t done before over the last two years, while also keeping them authentic to how I feel.

I admit, I’m nervous that I will start strong & then fall again. I need to craft some kind of a safety plan for when I feel myself growing weak. A way to lift me up from under the weight of the metaphorical bricks that can feel too heavy on my shoulders. I’m not sure what that will look like but maybe that’s a question I can put to my non-physical guides & teachers in tomorrow mornings automatic writing session.

Another thing that I need to do this month is reach out for help. I’ve been struggling so much, & I haven’t done the things I need to do to get better. There were times in January & February when I felt lower than I did when I ended up in hospital for my depression. It’s not some thing I’m proud of. But I have to get over being upset with myself or feeling guilty for not getting the help that I know I need. Because when I do that I just cycle down into more shame, regret & remorse to the point of paralysis. So this is my manifesto: that kind of shit ends today.

I took my photo today, of my feet, walking through the mess that’s on my bathroom floor. I placed my camera down on the floor to look straight ahead at where my feet would walk, & I used a delayed shutter release to capture the image with a shallow depth of field. I think I’m happy with the shot, my bare feet still scarred from when I cut them up in January after walking 10 km & boots that didn’t fit properly. It’s taking almost 2 months for my feet to feel comfortable in shoes again. They might’ve healed more quickly had i not continue to walk for a few days after hurting my feet. By doing that, I made my feet feel worse, even though I was wearing padded Band-Aids, gauze & thick socks, returning to my old shoes that I had worn before trying out the new boots. So one foot still looks worse than it feels, in fact I feel nothing at all, even though it’s still purple & bruised. But it’s a reminder that with time, even the deepest of wounds can heal, & one can carry on in life as if nothing had even happened at all. Finally, I’m also loving how you can see the blurred outline of my beautiful dog Kira, who was standing in the hallway probably wondering what it was I was trying to do.

This was originally posted on my Instagram.

60/365.

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #photo #feet #heels #scar #pjamabottoms #legs #pjamas #towels #tiles #cupboards #dog #bathroom #walkingaway #selfloveisnotselfish #sad #depressed

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Taken in: Canada / British Columbia / Surrey / Elgin (show map)

Taken on: March 1, 2022

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Camera: Sony ILCE-7RM2, f/4.0, 1/60 sec, 24mm, ISO 3200 (more info) (hide info)

Camera:	Sony ILCE-7RM2
Lens:	Sony FE 24-70mm F4.0 ZA OSS
Aperture:	f/4.0
Exposure Time:	0.017 sec (1/60)
Focal Length:	24mm
ISO:	3200
Exposure Bias:	0 EV
Flash:	Off, Did not fire
Exposure Program:	Program AE
Exposure Mode:	Auto
Metering Mode:	Multi-segment
White Balance:	Auto
Color Space:	Uncalibrated
Software:	Instagram
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