The 'History' Painter - a photo on Flickriver

            I am sorry for having off-loaded on you, and am very pleased to hear more of your story, though not at all pleased that you are having a hard time too. We seem to have reached similar junctures, that notion of mistakes made earlier, somehow that we should have worked this out beforehand and made better choices. Central to this would seem to be that thorny subject of ‘self-esteem’. Looking through your pictures I understand some more. I see a loving mother and daughter, a beautiful woman by anyone’s standards, creative and caring. So where does this low self-esteem come from? You know your history, you know your desire to please and maybe a tendency to put others first, as I know my foibles. You are also wise enough to recognise ‘growing pains’ and define these dark phases as that. That is helpful to me, it is something I know intrinsically but need to be reminded every now and then. It is so easy to blame and I know that in blaming others I am not actually taking responsibility for the choices I have made. But there may be a bigger picture. Maybe you and I are realising ourselves and that is not an easy route. Ok, let’s start with the idea that we are not trapped and isolated. We have this strange new reaching out, something that generations before us haven’t had. Imagine that we are actually writing this to each other; generated by the exchange of a few silly photographs on that clunky organ of image exchange we are both addicted to. I see you surrounded by your friends on Flickr and don’t understand your ‘isolation’, as you see me surrounded by mine on my profile and must imagine a glamorous life (I have strived to make it seem so). And yes, it has never been short of interesting. Our strength is that we go on and look back and laugh. We put our heads down and get on with the job in hand and generate a little artistic detritus out of the whole experience.

I understand the need for the physical proximity of another who holds you to be more important than all the rest, and I know too that parents, progeny or siblings cannot supply this. It has to be someone from outside your gene pool, as central to your gene pool is the notion of supporting its own continuance. We all strive to be recognised and loved by the other, by those who do not have to due to ‘blood ties’. I recognise it must be difficult to feel somewhat trapped within a family from which you didn’t come but to which is intrinsic to the health of your children. They are, of course, your connection to their grandparents and to your homecoming ex-husband.

But maybe these choices you made were not bad and maybe we are both predicting an outcome that isn’t necessarily so. The old ‘it ain’t over till the fat lady sings’ cliché resounds.

You are acting beautifully responsibly. You are loving, and nurturing, your son. From the photographs it is plain to see that he is obviously very bright (and has your eyes). I am aware of the problems dealing with autism, and know the situation must have honed your nurturing skills profoundly. How do you nurture yourself? It is good to see pictures of you with your own family around you.  I know parents and siblings are not enough but I am finding some support in being re-connected with mine here after 32 years apart. There is a certain shorthand and fellow feeling amongst family that is not available anywhere else. I missed this for 32 years whilst struggling with the incest that emerged in my childhood.  I have friends that would say this was a choice that I made, but we both know that sometimes these choices are taken out of our hands and the struggle is righting the situation. This can take years of struggle. I see that you are taking Max’s Aspergers Syndrome and somehow turning it into a situation where you both grow strong. This is an amazing feat, although I still get angry about the abuse and poverty in my background and past, I still am pleased that I have managed to become an artist and have managed to make work over 35 years (and even get a meaningless doctorate which I have never used) without any visible means of support. It has made me stronger. It also means that I recognise quality when I see it and when I see it, I point it out, hence my correspondence with you.

I was long addicted to sex and drugs. I am over them now but have the attendant scars and justifications. I am no longer looking outside myself for ‘salvation’ there is no man/woman/partner out there to save me. You seem to be realising that too. Yes, sex was about filling voids, somehow we seem to have got to the realisation that sex and drugs don’t do that. We can support each other in this. It is sometimes impossible to get that type of support from your closest ‘friends’ as they have had this co-dependant relationship with you throughout the time-period of your friendship. This is unavoidable.

Friends are just like lovers you haven’t had sex with.

I will be finishing this book over the next few weeks and then I will not accept work like this again. I will let you know if it is going to be featured in American Vogue or English Vogue. I believe it will be the American edition to fit in with ‘Anglomania’ at the Met.
I think I have made a little mark on flickr. I am most glad it is there as I feel that my work now has been somewhat documented and is not just sitting in storage somewhere but is actually still being seen. I have had many shows and more than often don’t even get to see the ‘reviews’. This happened in Finland, as when I asked to see translations of the reviews I was made feel that I was a bothersome self-obsessed artist. I got used to not knowing what effect my work has. Flickr is very supportive in that area. It is difficult to make as much work as I do and then apparently get no response at all. It is exhausting.

My mother has woken. I have a woman coming to wash her, so I have to finish up and do breakfast.

Take care of yourself and ‘your little man’.
Taken on: July 30, 2007
Sets appears in: • Childhood • The Fungimentals more » • Family • Rack and Ruin • All and Everything • Amsterdam • M4gastatelier « less
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