[older] Self Portrait. - Breaking Free.

            I was RE-building my website last night [again] - long story.  But it's fine.  Anyhoo.. I got to see this older self portrait on several occasions.. and I was thinking about how much I love it.  I love the lighting.  I'm rebuying THIS lighting this month. [Alienbees800].  Gonna start with one.. we'll see what happens lol.  I bought some reflectors too, their on their way.  However I loved my alienbees lighting unit.. Along with my camera(s).  And unfortunately my ex sold them out from under me OR convinced me to pawn them & he'd buy them back (and he did a few times, so why not trust him?) And I eventually lost them. (Brand new hardly used Nikons). 

 Juan (my now fiance- yes we've been friends for many years), and I remember the time when my ex pawned my brand new camera.. used his ID obviously.  So when he went to jail on a warrant and it was time to claim my camera (which was only pawned for $100).. they wouldn't let us get it out.  Juan was yelling at them and offered them A LOT of money for it.. (way more than it was worth) and they said, "no, we'll take our chances on ebay".  I left crying.. cameraless for the 4th time in the period of a couple years..  That is why if you look at my older profile you'll see all of the different cameras that I had.  We made money, so I was able to buy new ones regularly... but he'd either steal them and sell them out from under me.. OR stuff like that would happen.  (Horrible memories.)
     
   Today I am so grateful for sobriety.  I am so grateful that I'm able to buy stuff for my photography and it'll be there tomorrow (God willing something tragic doesn't happen).  But I'm pretty sure that you guys understand what I mean.  
   When I look at my older photos, they're BEAUTIFUL but they sadden me.  I was doing fantastic.. I was working doing photography gigs regularly.. But drugs were involved and my soul wasn't full. If we want to be totally honest, it was broken much of the time.  I was feeling very stuck and trapped a lot of the time..  Not only by my ex but by the drugs.  If we want to get really honest, he was the worst drug for a very long time. I was addicted to him.  I'd do anything for his acceptance, love and attention.. and I'd fight for it daily.  I look back at myself and my heart breaks for that woman..  That woman who was blinded by a man.  Even more blinded by drugs.  Trapped.  Broken.  And slowly watching my life crumble and knowing this... (People warned me).  But I continued because he assured me that everything will be okay.  Even after we lost it all (kids included- that's a whole other story) but he kept assuring me that everything was going to be okay as long as we stayed together.  I believed him.  
He drug me down deeper thru the mud.  Literally, we were living under the boardwalk.. in the rain and snow.  But I never left his side.  People offered me a place to stay, but without him. (They all hated him).  And I wouldn't leave his side.. so I stayed outside freezing.  
   All this I did.. watched my life fall apart and never waivered in my addiction to him.  My addictions to drugs changed but always remained.  But the addiction to him grew stronger.
    When I think back my heart breaks for this woman.  She was so blind and naive.. and broken. 
    That is a big reason why I don't post more of my wonderful photos of myself.  (From my 365).  Because they trigger so many sad and painful memories.  But I don't mind going back sometimes and speaking about it.  It's important for other's to hear.  So many women AND MEN (and children) are stuck in domestic violence.  When you're stuck in a situation like that, often times you'll feel trapped & sad & scared.. but at the same time you feel LOVE so you stay.  It may be a false love.. built on all the wrong reasons, but try telling that to a person who's in a domestic violence relationship .. they're blind.. and they'll NEVER hear you.  

Sometimes GOD has to intervene. I do believe it was God who did what he did to separate this relationship.. (That's a whole other story for another day).  
   I would have never had the strength or courage to leave otherwise.  I was afraid, I "KNEW" in my heart that I couldn't live without him.  I would downright die.  (I believed this).  I was nothing without him.  Wow.  That poor poor girl.  

  I had no idea the beautiful life that lied ahead of me.  That happiness and fulfillment.  

Juan often says to me, "I wish you would have listened to me.. and come with me.  You'd still have your children.. None of that would have happened." 
....- But I have to remind him.
    >> If I would have tried to leave and go with Juan, Juan and I wouldn't have lasted very long.  I wasn't ready to leave my ex.  I would have went back to him anyways, and Juan and I wouldn't be where we are today.. In fact, he would probably hate me today.   I hurt a lot of people back in those days, trying to escape.  The thought of it was so amazing.. Freedom.  But I was addicted to my ex.. I always went back.  

EVERYTHING had to happen, the exact way that IT DID..  Or the results wouldn't be this way.   I know this in my heart to be a fact.
_________________
>I am so grateful.  
>>My heart is so full.
>>>But my heart still breaks looking at that girl in those photos.
-I've grown so much.
-I've changed my whole life around.
-I owe it to God.
-I will be eternally grateful.

So yes, today I can look at these photos and admire the model/the lighting/ the equipment I had and lost..
But I don't admire that girl.
My heart breaks for her and all of those like her out there (& there are SO MANY).
>> & All I can do is pray for them.. that maybe God will intervene for those still suffering -the way he did for me.. to break that hold.

I'm just grateful &
Proud of myself.
   

Taken on: May 8, 2021

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