No Way Out. (There is a Way Out) - a photo on Flickriver

            In recovery I can look back and reflect.. I can remember the worst of times & how I felt.   And I never ever want to EVER FORGET that feeling!  Remembering that feeling.. My position I was in.. etc.  is what keeps me grateful, every single day!
For some, it is easy to forget how bad it was.. once you're doing better & sit back and glamourize all of the "good times"... which were NOT good times.  But your addict mind will tell you that they were great times.  Perhaps because at that moment, that was a good time to you... in a horrible / hellish world that you lived in every day.  

I make sure to remind myself (almost) every day.  

 ...What do I remember? - You ask.

I remember the pain..  The wishing it would all just end.. even if that meant dying. I remember crying, and laying there so sick & dirty.  I remember sleeping outside in the rain and the snow. (yes outside, under a boardwalk).  Snow was fine, until it melted.. I remember that.  Rain was the worst.. and even worse under the boardwalk.. because it fell in sheets (not drops).. thru the cracks.  I remember getting lucky and finding a tarp with a dead cat in it.. (i'm not even joking).  And it smelled so bad.  But my ex decided IN NOVEMBER or DECEMBER to go clean it IN THE OCEAN.. Freezing.  But he got the dead cat's guts out.. and most of the smell.. that way we had something to put over top of us when it rained. 
*I can't believe I just remembered that*.

I remember people talking about, "in 2020" and I'm like, "I'll never make it past 23" "Wow I'm 23, I'll never make it to 25" etc.

Now I'm 34 with over 2 years sober. And so grateful. 
I can open up.

I have to be transparent and truthful with everything.. if I ever want to reach out and really touch someone.. and show them it is possible.

People who see me now have said, "Wow, Jess... You're doing amazing, I'm so proud of you.  YOU ARE PROOF!! IF YOU CAN GET OUT OF THAT LIFE, ANYONE CAN!!!"


Yes, anyone can get better.  
You have to truly want it first.
& Yes, you may say, "yes I want it"  but you need the drug more.
... It's not time, for you yet.
And I hope you make it thru to tomorrow.. because maybe tomorrow will be your day.

If you know someone struggling.. Know that you cannot help them.  They have to want it. And help themselves.  
They have to hit bottom.  Or "their bottom".  And really make a decision.  Like I did, that one day.. when I looked at Juan.. and thought to myself, I'm killing the man that I love.
That was it.


I pray for all of you out there still struggling.  I hope you know that you're not alone.  And if you ever need to talk, about anything.. I'm here -just message me.
You can be addicted to anything (its a mental thing) the drug is just a symptom of the disease.... I have an addict personality.. So I can get addicted to anything.. and I take it to the extremes with everything I do.. So I have to TRY to set boundaries.. and find HEALTHY addictions.. Like photographs.. and sharing my story.

Just because you're not sitting in an alley with a needle in your arm, doesn't mean you're NOT an addict.

It all starts (for MOST OF THEM) with prescription pills FROM THEIR DOCTOR.  (every single addiction you see/hear about) ALL STARTED WITH A DOCTOR VISIT!
Keep that in mind...

Alcohol.. that's a drug.
Food can be a drug.
Sex.
Gambling.
Porn.
Shopping.
Working.
I could go on and on.

So it's good to try to choose healthy addictions if you can.  & If you can look at yourself and think, "wow I'm not addicted to drugs, but I'm addicted to porn & shopping".. then be very careful.
VERY CAREFUL.
Because like I said, the drug is just a symptom to the disease.

The disease of addiction.
You may feel like there is NO WAY OUT..
But believe me when I promise you,
There IS a way out.  & It's amazing over here! I wake up and go to bed every day GRATEFUL!  No every day is perfect, but I get to choose the way I deal with it.. instead of just using.  And that's amazing.

 Have a beautiful night everyone.
   

Taken on: October 13, 2010

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Camera: Nikon D5000, f/6.3, 1/160 sec, 30mm (=45mm), ISO 200 (more info) (hide info)

Camera:	Nikon D5000
Aperture:	f/6.3
Exposure Time:	0.006 sec (1/160)
Focal Length:	30mm (35mm equivalent: 45mm)
ISO:	200
Exposure Bias:	0 EV
Flash:	Auto, Did not fire
Exposure Program:	Not Defined
Exposure Mode:	Auto
Metering Mode:	Multi-segment
White Balance:	Auto
Color Space:	sRGB
Software:	Adobe Photoshop CS4 Windows
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