On the 19th January my younger brother had a heart attack, so nearly everyday I've been in the ICU visiting him, so photography was put aside for the time being. Having made a single cent from photography, so no incentive to do anything with it. My goal was attaining a MSc degree, then maybe a PHD. Then leaving Ireland to work away from a place I do not like, I don't like Ireland, my goal was to put it behind myself and not look back apart from sending money to my family.
Halfway through my MSc degree, I was on top of the world, I was very happy with the work and felt a positive outlook. Then my father got sick, he got sick leading up to my exams at the halfway stage, he himself retired early at 66 to take care of my mother who was sick. My father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I left college to take care of the family for a year. My father's cancer was in remission, and I was mentally preparing for next academic year, things looking back on track again. Then my father died of kidney and heart failure, he had a long treatment of chemo.
As my mother was sick, I now became the sole carer for her, my younger brother was psychologically also not well, so I was taking care of both. After a long time, many surgeries and lots of recovery, my mother was healthy again, I've never known to be so well, then I decided to complete my studies and get myself back on track, I was nearly halfway through my MSc degree again, this time I'm really positive and have the future ahead of me. Then one day as I was taking my mother to visit one of her friends in a cafe, she collapsed in my arms, she was very weak so we went to see the doctor to see what was causing her problems. She had a non malignant tumour growing into her brain stem that was inoperable. I left my studies again to care for her. She became more progressively sick and died a long lingering death, I of course was visiting her everyday until the end.
For the following year I went deep into hiking and photography as my therapy, then covid hit and the world was paused again for the best part of two years. My younger brother went off his meds at the end of covid and had a breakdown of sorts, he had to be hospitalized, then when he was released I spent the last year caring for him to ensure he didn't go off the deep end again, until this year. Now he's still in the ICU seriously ill, and his prognosis doesn't look good, he was on the mend and moved from ICU last week, but has had a setback and is in ICU again as I write this.
So maybe I'll snap some photos again, not sure, again no real incentive to pick up a camera. Every time I see a light in the tunnel something happens and I'm in the wilderness again, totally apathetic to life itself, broken in spirit and in pocket. Ireland is not a liberal country, not a single opportunity has laid itself at my feet here, I started off wanting to get out of Ireland, now I'm stuck here, a reluctant prisoner of sorts.
