Moleman's Epic Rap Battles #42-A: Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, Part 1

VIDEO: www.youtube.com/watch?v=4onzMDrtx74

••• SCRIPT/LYRICS: •••

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!

SCOTT PILGRIM…

…VS…

…TAYLOR SWIFT!!!!!!!

BEGIN!

Scott Pilgrim:
One, two, three, four! Yo, welcome to Toronto, land of mystery:
It's not the York you've sung about, and one far cry from Tennessee!
I'm rated "A" for "Awesome"; I'd rate you about a five-point-two:
"Too many teardrops from your whining", says my IGN review.
I feel I've loathed you for a thousand years; call me your biggest hater,
And the frigid words I spit: the bitterest Cornetto flavor!
Yeah, I've heard your fans: the kids all claiming you're the next Madonna,
But I've seen your latest vids, and girl, you're snorting marijuana!
You're a Naga, looking like the spawn of some LaVeyan coven;
Sampled "I'm Too Sexy", yet won't even show your belly button!
Your love life is a Catastrophe; you've got some major baggage,
'Cause you're not well in the head: the brain inside is surely damaged!
Mere band-aids won't fix the holes I'll leave as I tear you asunder,
Swiftly putting your whole "Gorgeous" Reputation six feet under!
Hitting hard as solid Mithril, I was born with rap-proficiency;
Insulting you's like garlic bread: I could go at it endlessly!

Taylor Swift:
You're on the track with a goddess; better show some respect.
They say Sparks Fly whenever I'm upset…
This is my M.E.R.B. monologue, where I'll be speaking bluntly:
My sharp lyrics cutting deep like Knives, I'll fell your freaking Plumtree!
Well, I'm going after you for hella more than just a buck, man,
And keep your useless gaming trivia; I don't give a Puck, Man!
You hit it big with hipsters; all the lonely Starbucks-lovers,
But your movie Sex Bob-ombed, with Super-bad box office numbers!
Ask a certain other Scot whose talent everybody came here for;
Taking full ownership of this sick beat, I'm striking major chords!
You'd best know you're in trouble when I dubstep on the stage:
Inducing Infinite Sadness, I'll lock this rat up in a cage!
You're no true man, Scott; you're a rotten Apple: one I protest openly.
Attack me all you want; the drama only fuels my poetry!
Your Precious Little Life story looks set for a tragic turn,
Because to me, the whole damn thing's just six lame picture-books to burn!
Roasting this prick was Red-hot fire on my part; I keep the pressure,
Making sure that you can never, ever get it back together… like, ever!

Scott Pilgrim:
Listen, I'mma let you finish, but your flowing ain't the best!
Besides, I can't shake off the feeling me and you might still have sex,
So let's forget our feuding; say we got amnesia,
And Begin Again at Blank Spaces just like your social media!

Taylor Swift:
Wanna get with me now, Frankenstein? Being dead's where you belong,
'Cause you're a bigger Loser than the Scientologist who wrote your songs!
The Grammys, Billboard and the Guinness books attest: I'm making history;
An artful Amazon who's dissing you with prime delivery!

Scott Pilgrim:
I didn't come here to hold my peace, and thus, I'm speaking now:
It's time to make a Scottaholic out of you, and freaking how!
My last verse on this song'll be a killer: audience, beware,
And there's no way that you'll be Ready For It, Tay; you're unprepared!
I'm a high-flying Rickenbacker ace like Eddie on the bass;
You're the female Henry the Eighth, faced with my Pilgrimage of Grace!
This Romeo is throwing more than pebbles at you, Juliet,
'Cause I'm in lesbians with you, and it's our story; just say yes!
Your ego can't get in the way of how I spit this sick shit madly,
So consider me the second Scott you're gonna call your daddy!

Taylor Swift:
The old Taylor'd never yield to that two-by-four-bit display,
But since she can't come to the mic now, I guess it's your lucky day…
Scott Pilgrim: This truly is my Finest Hour; wait until I tell the fellas:
Natalie will Envy me, and even Wallace may be jealous…
Wallace Wells: Well, I know inclusion of my interjection here's imperative,
But I'd like very much to be excluded from this narrative.
Scott Pilgrim: …Whatever, then! Now, let's make love; I'll tap your weakest point!
Taylor Swift: Oh, not so fast; you aren't Out of the Woods, but at their deepest point:
You see, this ain't a fairy tale, and like a different-colored "Horse",
All those who'd play with me should know the terms of what they're falling for!
Scott Pilgrim: I'm sorry, babe; please come again? Some weirdo just shot me a text.
It says: "Be warned: you're getting Jacked, so Gong Yi Tanpai, to the death!"

??????:
Monkey style…
MONKEY STYLE…
Yo, uh, huh…
Shen Gong Wu ain't nothing to fuck with!
Shen Gong Wu ain't nothing to fuck with!
SHEN GONG WU AIN'T NOTHING TO FUCK WITH!

Jack Spicer:
A new power has revealed itself: my own, as it so happens;
Let me give a demonstration, not on paper, but through actions!
Jimmy Neutron can go suck it; this Boy Genius is a baller:
Changing Chopsticks couldn't make your chance against me any smaller!
You're in deep; somebody ought to call up your big little sister,
For I'm colder to a Pilgrim than a 1620 winter!
Robot, does he stand a chance?
Yes Man: No, sir!
Jack Spicer: Will I crush him?
Yes Man: Hell, yes!
Jack Spicer: I unleash souped-up raps; think Lao Mang Lone, but sans the side-effects!
My words have Heart like Mala Mala Jong; breathe life into these beats,
Their darkness resonating for a full millennium, at least,
Not just nine-hundred-sixty years! My evil idols all approve;
My sharp eyes need no crystal lenses to foresee your every move.
Don't get it Lotus-Twisted: calling you a hazard's stretching it;
I'm gonna do to you what Omi does to half his sentences,
And if it seems I hurt nobody but myself when I scheme crimes,
Just nap eight decades, then come see how I've done in the meantime!

Scott Pilgrim:
So, you think you're S-L-ick with that wack heli-pack and face-paint?
Get your Jackie Chan Adventures ass back in your parents' basement!
Plus, you aren't the real Jack Spicer, though I bet you screw men, too;
You won't survive what my vocabulary's gonna do to you!

Jack Spicer:
I've had more stimulating showdowns with my own Chameleon-Bot;
My league's above your level: you know not with what you're dealing, Scott!
You see this ghostly witch? Well, soon, her form will look far less like Casper's:
You're forever out of luck once the Reversing Mirror shatters…
Wuya: In the flesh, I think likewise outside the box; got major skills.
I'd call this Shen Yi Bu, but, dare I say, the stakes are greater still!
You'd best start hailing the Heylin before I wipe the floor with your ass;
Fighting back's as pointless as T. Swizzle's casting in The Lorax!
I'm a one-girl villain dream-team: Spicer knows it All Too Well;
Your yeti can't avert the things this green-eyed monster means to do!
I'll make your whole life black-and-white again; send you to Ying-Yang Hell,
And this is no cliffhanger: it won't have to wait for season two.

Scott Pilgrim:
This demon chick of yours ain't hip; she's fifteen centuries behind.
My girl is never out of Style; that, you'd better keep in mind!
Jack Spicer: You really think she loves you? You're a fool; believe me when I say it,
Because I've been in that same place!
Scott Pilgrim: Wait a minute… you two dated?!
Taylor Swift: Yeah, in seventh grade; it was a phase: I had a thing for bad boys.
Plus, he barely paid me mind; was always busy with his wack toys!
Jack Spicer: That's enough talk from you! Wuya, now: bring on the fireballs!
Wuya: Indeed, it's getting hot, so just gaze at my form, and be enthralled!
Scott Pilgrim: How can you hope to spellbind me when you can't spell the word "Shaolin"?
Your rapping's comparable to Chronicles: nobody gives a shit!
Wuya: That doesn't even rhyme!
Jack Spicer: …And I thought my kid cousin was obnoxious,
But what's pestilence against a future-emperor and a goddess?
Scott Pilgrim: Listen, Pinky and the Brain: give up on global domination;
If I brought you in, your bounties' sum wouldn't cover transportation.
Leaping into action like the Mantis Coin to stick it to ya',
I'll bust caps in you in slow-mo while doves fly away, and Woo ya'!
Jack Spicer: AAAAAA…
Scott Pilgrim: AAAAAA…
Jack Spicer: …AAAA…
Scott Pilgrim: …AAAA…
Jack Spicer: …AAA…
Scott Pilgrim: …AAA…
Both: …AAAAAAAAA…
(*BOOM!*)
Announcer: K.O.!

TO BE CONTINUED…

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Taken on: November 24, 2017

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