Moleman's Epic Rap Battles #8 Winnie-The-Pooh Vs. Sesame Street

VIDEO: www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HPIWGRrR50

••• SCRIPT/LYRICS: •••

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!

BIG BIRD…

…VS…

…WINNIE THE POOH!!!

BEGIN!

Winnie the Pooh:
It's a tale of two kids icons, from the 'hood to the Hundred Acre Wood,
and Imma beat the living birdseed out you, understood?
I'm the childhood pal of millions; just ask Christopher Robin.
I'll make you cry, and I'm not talking 'bout that song by Kenny Loggins!
My rhymes will buzz around, over, under and through you like Grover!
I've every trick in the book, plus some not in the book, like Gopher.
I'm gonna rustle all your feathers, not to mention your jimmies.
I know you inside and out, almost as much as Caroll Spinney!
When I'm done with you, pinhead, you're gonna be feeling real blue.
Count von Count on my victory going down in the Book of Pooh!
I've made Disney more money than the worth of Donald Trump,
Earning me more honey than can be taken by any Heffalump!
I'm a big black rain cloud, pouring on your Macy's Parade.
Call me Mitt Romney, 'cause I'm giving you a major downgrade!
I'm laying down the smackdown here in the Ashdown Forest.
I've been to Skull and back, son. When'd you last walk two miles from your nest?

Big Bird:
This battle's being brought to you by the letter "B",
As in "B.B.", like Big Bird, which would be me!
And like in "Follow That Bird", I'm out on a mission:
Breaking you like I broke into public television!
You may be older and even more classic than me, Pooh Bear,
But I'll make your rhymes fall flat and drop dead like Mr. Hooper!
Mine will fly under your Radar, and knock you down like Eeyore's house.
I'm normally nice, but now I'm going full–out Oscar the Grouch!
Nonstop since 1969, I've been entertaining kids.
I spit sick words like "abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz"!
Don't need help to beat your stuffing out, so Snuffy, begone.
My jibes are simple, but they'll haunt you your whole life long!
I've got a star on the Walk of Fame; you're a bear of very little brain.
Beating me will be more impossible than your Home Run Derby game!
If you weren't just a fluff–filled doll, I'd say I'd make you bleed.
I teach children literacy, but you can barely even read!

Leave this to me, Pooh!

Piglet:
I may sound like a little girl and be the size of a mouse,
But I'm still bringing some mad pig power in this house!
Helping defeat this feathered fiend will be my pleasure.
Next to my blustery rhymes, yours are a mild Spring zephyr!
You'll find this itty–bitty package to be carrying big things.
You don't scare me, and that says a lot. You don't even have wings!
What are you even supposed to be, a canary or a lark?
Either way, I'm conquering you like my fear of the dark.
Yes, you're eight times my size, but I'm not overwhelmed.
I'll have you know: just like you, I have my very own film!
In terms of size–to–coolness ratio, I'm ten times more fly!
My only worthy match on your street is Teeny Little Super Guy.
People write books about my smallness being a virtue.
To beat you, I just need a few good friends and a sti–
(*THUD*)

Uh–oh! He he, who wants to die?

Elmo:
If you can call for backup, then by Henson, so can we,
And of the people in our neighborhood, the best is me.
'Til now, everyone watching has been waiting for Elmo.
Did you really think they'd make this thing without me? Hell, no!
Ever since I came along, half the show's been about me.
I've got living furniture and the drawer from Bruce Almighty!
I'm cuddling backstage with hot, cold chicks like Katy Perry,
While you two are more obviously gay than Bert and Ernie!
Kids, can you guess what Elmo is thinking about today?
Congrats if you said "ways he can make these losers go away"!
I'll vandalize the felt you call your flesh with my crayons,
Then dump you in the trash and leave you stranded in Grouchland!
Or, I could call up some of my monster friends, so furry and happy,
Beat youup, then have you turned to frogs by Abby!
And here's a threat scarier than any Heffalump or Woozle:
I'll tie you up and leave you both alone with Mr. Noodle!
In any case, suffice to say: I'll do more than just tickle you.
I'll let my likeness here finish:
Talking Elmo Doll:
KILL… POOH!

(Crashingly loud "BOING!")

Tigger:
You've made a big mistake by making me show up, Fuzzy-Boy.
When it comes to rapping kids' icons, Tiggers are the real McCoy!
A match between you and me? How terribly uneven!
I'll derail your whole career, even worse than Sheldon Stephens!
I'm rivaled only by Hobbes for "most adorable tiger".
Compared to me, you look like something out of H. R. Giger!
I'm truly one–of–a–kind, unlike you, little "buddy".
You're really just a random extra that happened to get lucky!
You're a creator's pet, so swallow your pride and surrender,
Before you make me bring back the Masked Offender!
And Big Bird, while I can't exactly call you a bully,
Your skills are as nonexistent as my biological family!
Back to you, Elmo: Mike Mozart tells me you love balls.
You're weak, while I can't even be held back by the fourth wall!
So go T.T.F.E. and leave our wood for good, you Hellspawn,
Before my springy tail and I bounce you to death like Leprechaun!

Oooooooooohhh…

Cookie Monster:
…"C" is for "cookie", and it also is for "crap",
Which is best word me can use to describe your crummy raps!
Me rounding out the quintessential Sesame Street trio,
For me am, in fact, the monster at the end of this video!
Obesity and grammar concerns cause me to get slammed,
But me no change for them! Like Popeye, me am what me am.
You may have one advantage: Me no have me own movie,
But that's it, 'cause me best rapper any Muppet could be!
See, me classically–trained: just watch "Monsterpiece Theater",
And though me known for eating cookies, me not really picky eater.
Me have been here all along, from start of this song,
And now show meself to eat your honey like "OM NOM NOM NOM!"
Me not going to eat you, though, 'cause you taste no good!
As me friend Hoots would say, poo–poo is a never food!
Me shooting your words down like stupid "Veggie Monster" rumors,
And F.Y.I., Tigger, that not spring in your tail; it tumor!

Guy Smiley: OH. MY. HENSON! THAT MAY VERY WELL HAVE BEEN THE MOST EPIC RAP BATTLE OF ALL TIME! AND TO THINK SUCH A MASTERPIECE WOULD BE PERFORMED BY CHARACTERS INTENDED FOR FOUR–YEAR–OLDS!

WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
I DECIDE!

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!

Taken on: November 30, 2014

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